Some studies say that four in every ten marriages involve infidelity at some point. Some statistics even say as many as 75% married people cheat on their spouse at least once in their married lives. The secretive nature of infidelity makes it difficult to get concrete statistics. The good news is, at least half of couples who seek counseling or support after experiencing infidelity go on to survive it. If your marriage has experienced the unthinkable pain of adultery, here are a four steps to rebuilding the trust and romance that you once held with your spouse:
- Burn the bridges. If your marriage is going to stand a chance, all ties must be severed with the other woman (or man). Not just on a romantic level, but all contact the cheating spouse ever had with their lover.
- Tear down the walls. The trust can never be restored in a marriage unless the gulf between the spouses that made the infidelity possible to begin with is closed. Ask lots of open-ended questions, even when the answers are heartbreaking. There cannot be any secrets between you two, the secret place is where the affair started to begin with.
At least while you both are healing, it’s a good idea to have an open-door policy for sharing each others’ text messages, emails, social media interaction, etc. It might sound intrusive, but the act of not hiding anything from each other will help rebuild trust and bring the two of you together as a unit again.
In the event that the jilted lover does attempt to make contact– which is likely as they have undermined the sanctity of your marriage before– it is essential that you are open with each other about it. Nothing is more destructive to the healing process than if there continue to be secrets between you.
- Get support. It might not be prudent to air your dirty laundry to friends and family who will pass judgement on the cheating spouse (or speculate how the cheated-on’s actions led to the infidelity) and complicate the marriage further. However, it’s a responsible step to get involved with marriage counseling. Many counseling services include both couples therapy and individual counseling to bring healing to both the marriage and the people involved.
- Respark the magic. Although you need to be able to discuss the infidelity as much as you both need to find forgiveness and healing, reserve time that the pain of the affair is set aside, and you just spend time reconnecting. If your life allows it, take a vacation together, where you can rekindle the flame you once felt for each other without the stress and distractions of life.
- Tear down the walls. The trust can never be restored in a marriage unless the gulf between the spouses that made the infidelity possible to begin with is closed. Ask lots of open-ended questions, even when the answers are heartbreaking. There cannot be any secrets between you two, the secret place is where the affair started to begin with.
Has your marriage ever endured the pain of infidelity? Was there anything that was particularly helpful in bringing healing? Please share your experience in the comment section below.
